The Present

‘I can’t imagine her not being a part of my life’ … Andrea and Lisa, pictured in 2024 Lisa and Andrea, both 64, met in New Jersey 40 years ago. Despite living on different continents, they’ve been friends ever since For Lisa, the 1980s were an incredibly fun decade. Living in Brooklyn and working as a financial headhunter, she moved into an apartment building with lots of other people her age. “There were 25 apartments in total and a rooftop where we’d go for parties,” she says. “It was like living in the cast of Friends. Everyone knew each other and we were always in and out of each other’s homes.” In the autumn of 1984, one of her neighbours invited her to his family home in New Jersey for Rosh Hashanah, a Jewish new year celebration. As soon as she arrived, she was introduced to his sister, Andrea, a market researcher who also lived in New York. For both of them, the friendship was like “love at first sight”, and they instantly bonded. “I thought Lisa seemed really fun to hang out with and I was impressed that she had done so much travelling,” says Andrea. “She seemed as if she knew what she was doing in life.” Lisa felt like Andrea was the worldly one, because she was a “real ballsy New Yorker”. After spending the week together, they went to a party in Lisa’s building. “That’s where I was introduced to Fred, who later became my husband,” says Andrea. For the rest of the year, they spent most of their free time together, going to parties and out clubbing. “The cost of living was a lot less and we had very few responsibilities, which meant lots of time for fun,” says Lisa. “We’d also cook and eat dinner together, talking about any challenges we might be having with work or family.” ‘We had very few responsibilities, which meant lots of time for fun’ … Lisa (left) and Andrea at Mardi Gras in New Orleans, 1985 At the end of 1984, Andrea’s roommate moved out and she needed to find a new place to live. “One of Lisa’s neighbours was moving too, so on New Year’s Eve I moved into her building and we became inseparable,” she says. “We’d share clothes and had all the same friends.” They also went travelling together, to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and Cancún in Mexico. In 1987, Lisa started working in human resources at a bank and got married. “Andrea was maid of honour at the wedding in Mississippi,” says Lisa. Although the relationship didn’t work out, Andrea supported her throughout. Two years later, Lisa got the opportunity to work in London. “I was really sad,” says Andrea, “because I’d just got engaged and had hoped she would be around for all the wedding stuff. After she moved, we would write letters and visit each other when we could.” Although Lisa found London challenging at first, she soon fell in love with the city. “It felt like home,” she says. “I did feel guilty about leaving Andrea but I knew she had Fred.” Since then, Lisa has travelled the world, working for banks in Bucharest, Hong Kong, Zurich and Frankfurt, before retiring in 2022 and settling back in the UK. Andrea continued her career in market research and lives in Brooklyn. ‘She gives me good advice and she’s my confidante’ … Lisa (left) and Andrea in Mexico, 1985 Despite the distance, Lisa and Andrea have always maintained a close friendship and, when Andrea turned 40, she came to London to celebrate. “We acted as if we were in our 20s. We had a party and a spa day; it was an amazing long weekend,” she says. Andrea has two children, born in 1995 and 1998, while Lisa remarried in 1996, and had a daughter two years later. “Before smartphones, we didn’t talk all the time. We were so busy working and having young families, as well as living on different continents,” says Andrea. “But when we did, it would always feel as if it was just yesterday that we last spoke.” They now FaceTime regularly and Lisa recently went to New York for Andrea’s son’s wedding. “I felt honoured to sit at the table with her family, who were my adopted family in New York.” Andrea loves Lisa’s honesty and insights. “She gives me good advice and she’s my confidante,” she says. “I always say: ‘I wish I had her confidence.’” Lisa appreciates her friend’s sense of humour and generosity. “I love that this friendship has been going for 40 years and has always been a pleasure. I can’t imagine her not being a part of my life.” Source: The Guardian

Celebrating holidays alone doesn't have to feel awful. There are ways for you to empower yourself and create new meaningful experiences, experts say. Anna Efetova/Moment RF/Getty Images Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple.  Sign up for CNN’s Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being . C NN  —  Whil e the holiday season is often a time rich with cheer, sentiment, love and family connections, it can also be a painful reminder of what once was or what many other people have but you don’t. “We’re shown this ideal version of the holidays, with partnered people, people with children , people with families in the matching pajamas with the gorgeous photos,” said Shani Silver, a New Orleans-based writer, podcaster and author of the Substack newsletter Cheaper Than Therapy . But that notion excludes a massive number of people who won’t have “the cozy Norman Rockwell Christmas,” she added, including those who are newly single or estranged from family, or have lost a partner or other family member. If you’re troubled by your situation, it’s OK to honor your feelings and keep the celebrations low-key or sit this holiday season out, experts say. But you don’t have to refuse to celebrate because you’re without a partner or family. This could be the holiday season in which you feel empowered to create new meaningful experiences with friends or the VIP in your life who is always there for you — yourself. Here’s how to figure out what’s best for you this holiday season. It’s time to shift your mindset Not having a partner or close family to spend the holidays with can bring guilt, shame and blame, said Dr. Ayanna Abrams, an Atlanta-based clinical psychologist. You don’t have the life you’re “supposed” to have during this season, “and all of that exacerbates (your) feelings of loneliness and sadness,” she said. You can still be filled with grief, especially if a breakup, estrangement or death was recent, Abrams added. “All of a sudden everything is different this year,” she said, and you may be longing for the traditions you had with the person you lost. In such a transition, there’s no requirement to have the holidays look or feel the same as they always have, said Dr. Adam Brown, clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at The New School for Social Research in New York. Just as there is nothing wrong with not having these things, there is also nothing bad about wanting and missing them. But there comes a point when dwelling in sadness or shame keeps you from motivating yourself to chart your own path forward and from recognizing the loving people remaining in your life. Hatching a new plan When you’re considering other ways to celebrate the holidays, think about what brings the most joy, Silver said. “We have this unique time available to us to define what we want to do as individuals, and a lot of people will never have that,” she added. “Not viewing it as a burden, but viewing it as a benefit, is one of the ways that you can start to really enjoy this time.” If you always went to holiday markets or drive-through Christmas light shows with your ex, you can enjoy those activities alone or with friends, Silver said. Did your ex hate ice skating while you always wanted to try it? Now’s the time. Try doing some holiday baking, watching a movie at home or in a theater, going to a wine tasting or pop-up holiday experience, or cooking a recipe you’ve been eyeing forever. You can still put up a tree and mail out holiday cards, Abrams said. Drive or walk through beautifully decorated neighborhoods or travel to visit a friend. If you have friends or acquaintances in the same boat as you, get together for a holiday dinner like Silver did last year, or for other plans. You might feel like you don’t want to be a burden. But you never know what might happen if you tell a loved one that you’re feeling the need for connection and wondering what they’re doing for the holidays, Brown said. Maybe you’re sad about not having anyone leave you gifts under the tree, but you can do holiday shopping for things you’ve really wanted or organize a gift exchange among friends. To keep the element of surprise, Silver used to order themed mystery gift boxes or Advent calendars she’d wait until Christmas Day to open. For those shopping in person, some bookstores wrap books in paper and write a description on the exterior so you don’t know what you’re getting. Silver also focuses on gifting herself intangibles, such as knocking out work projects early to have more time off. How to cope with sadness Working with a therapist is one of the best ways to cope with struggles you may have during the season or other times of year, Abrams said. She recommended starting with one now , if needed, to get ahead of office closures. That’s especially true if you’re noticing any isolation, excessive sleep, trouble getting out of bed, substance misuse or loss of appetite. Sometimes distractions are necessary, experts said. You can’t always avoid the pain or eliminate it, but you can learn to tolerate and hold space for it, Abrams said. Self-care can help you cope and experience more joy this year, Brown said. Do what helps you feel good and process your feelings, including exercising, journaling, talking things out in a voice recording, nourishing your body and using your support system. When considering whether to join the festivities, many people tend to think in all-or-nothing patterns: You either go to all the holiday parties or none. You deck all the halls of your house or leave everything bare. “We usually take away a lot of opportunities to have some semblance of something we want to experience,” Abrams said. Considering the middle ground can help — maybe you don’t go to a gathering but still send a white elephant gift. Or plan on attending but only staying for an hour or so. Try decorating, but maybe just one room. If grief strikes, stepping into another room or outside to cry, for example, is better than trying to repress emotion, Abrams said. Whether external or self-imposed, the pressure to just cheer up can make people feel a lot worse. (Cold air, though uncomfortable at first, can also be good for your mood, she said.) "You’re feeling this way because you are human,” she said. Setting boundaries and expectations If seeing all the happy, romantic holiday posts feels too difficult, taking a break from social media or muting certain accounts may help, Abrams said. Shifting your mindset and how you compare yourself with someone else, on the other hand, may be in order, Silver said. “Being jealous is just one lens that you can choose,” she said. “You can also choose to see it as, ‘If it happened to them, it can happen to me.’” And if anyone asks nosy questions about your relationship status at a social gathering, you don’t owe them an answer, Silver said. You are just as worthy of dignity, respect and privacy as someone in a relationship. Preparing loose scripts of answers based on your boundaries and social dynamics can be useful, Abrams said, especially if you feel pressure to answer despite your feelings. You might say you don’t want to discuss it, that this season things are different or you just want to focus on the new. You could even preemptively let loved ones know via a text or phone call, which can save everyone an awkward moment. Regardless of what you do, Silver said she hopes you have as happy a holiday as anyone else — and urges you to choose the holiday season plans that you have the emotional bandwidth to handle. “Any way that you authentically want to spend the holidays is correct,” she said. Source: CNN

Tokyo Gov. Yuriko Koike (Mainichi) TOKYO -- Gov. Yuriko Koike announced in a Dec. 10 Tokyo Metropolitan Assembly meeting a plan to make day care services free of charge for firstborn children starting in September 2025. This will be the first such initiative at the prefectural level in Japan, and the aim is to reduce the financial burden on families raising children. In response to a question from a representative of the Liberal Democratic Party (LDP), Koike expressed her strong commitment to "further promote efforts to tackle the declining birth rate, without cutting corners, since there is not a moment to lose." According to a source close to the matter, the budget for the initiative is expected to exceed 40 billion yen (about $264 million). The Japanese government began in 2019 to waive day care fees for children aged 3 to 5, as well as for infants aged 0 to 2 that meet certain criteria such as those from households exempt from resident taxes. Combining its own measures with the national system, the Tokyo Metropolitan Government began offering free day care services for children from second-born and on, up to 2 years of age, without income limitations from 2023. The metropolitan government covers the full cost for privately operated services, while it splits the cost in half with municipal governments for public day care centers. It is expected that the same cost-sharing arrangement will be applied to the firstborns as well. Before being reelected in the Tokyo gubernatorial election this July, Koike included the expansion of free day care services for firstborns as one of her campaign promises. Since this fall, she has been coordinating with municipalities and other related bodies to implement the plan. (Japanese original by Taisuke Shimabukuro and Shunsuke Yamashita, Tokyo City News Department) Source: The Mainichi

‘One of the best decisions I’ve ever made’ … Payne on his boat off the Amalfi coast of Italy in March 2023. Photograph: Stephen J Payne After his mother died, Stephen Payne was keen for a change. He now travels around Europe and considers this one of the best decisions he’s ever made After his 92-year-old mother died in 2019, Stephen Payne decided it was time for a change. But having spent the previous six months at her home in Torquay, where he is from, and the 27 years before that living in Los Angeles, Payne, a 60-year-old photographer, wasn’t sure where to go next. “I was complaining too much about Trump while living in the US and it felt like it would be a struggle to get work in the UK with Brexit,” he says. “I woke up one morning and had an idea to buy a boat. I knew nothing at all about them but thought it would allow me to live cheaply and be free to move wherever I wanted. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.” Payne bought his 11-metre, nine-tonne motorised boat in January 2020 , and has lived on it full-time since, travelling solo across the Channel before making his way along the French coast and through the country’s rivers to reach the Côte d’Azur, the Italian coast and finally Malta. “No one ever says on their deathbed that they wish they hadn’t travelled as much, since it’s the best way to become a better person,” he says. “I’ve experienced new cultures, become more accepting of the ways people live, and I’ve met fantastic people.” Payne’s experience hasn’t all been plain sailing. After buying the boat, called Jaywalking the World, he taught himself how to operate it and was ready to take his maiden voyage when Covid hit and the world went into lockdown. “We weren’t allowed to move, so I found myself trapped in a marina in Bray, Berkshire, completely alone,” he says. “As soon as we could leave, I moved it along the Thames to Chatham in Kent.” Navigating the Hammersmith Bridge and commercial traffic on the Thames in central London was hair-raising, topped only by his Channel crossing in June 2021. “My friend, who is experienced with boats, was going to come with me, but then had to stay as he had a baby on the way,” he says. “I found myself navigating one of the busiest shipping lanes in the world. At one point, I could count 17 boats around me and they were all a lot bigger than mine. It was like crossing the M5.” ‘No one ever says on their deathbed that they wish they hadn’t travelled as much’ … Payne off the Côte d’Azur, France, in August 2022. Photograph: Stephen J Payne After almost three hours, Payne arrived in France and felt an enormous sense of achievement at making the trip without assistance. “It’s amazing to learn new things as it teaches you a lot about yourself in the process,” he says. “I realised I can keep calm and stay the course no matter what is happening around me.” Despite his experience, Payne still encounters difficult moments on board, including going aground and getting his anchor caught in a chain at the bottom of a river. “You have to keep vigilant as situations can spiral when things start to go wrong.” It has also been challenging to find a sense of community while being on the move. “The boating world is transient and the average situation is a single man on a boat,” he says. “Friends come and go, so I’ve had to get used to that, as well as come up with different ways to meet new people.” These have included printing a flag of two hands shaking and distributing it to other sailors to signal that people should feel free to come and chat, as well as documenting his boating experience on his YouTube channel . Now 64, Payne has moored his boat in Malta for the past year. “It’s a very interesting, cosmopolitan island and everyone is incredibly friendly,” he says. “That’s kept me longer than intended, but I don’t have plans to stay here for ever.” In fact, the greatest appeal of Payne’s boating adventure seems to be the ability to change his plans when he wants and not think of the future beyond where to drop his anchor for the night. “It’s nice to not have to always be making arrangements,” he says. “Maybe I’ll learn to sail, buy a sailing boat and go around the world. All I can say is that right now, this feels like the best kind of life for me and one I’m very glad I embarked on.” Source: The Guardian

‘Age is just a number’ … Ann and Rosemary, a Framland resident, in the garden of the home. Photograph: Graeme Robertson/The Guardian At 63, Ann Thomas-Carter stepped into Framland care home for the first time and was immediately taken aback. “It wasn’t like a care home at all; it was this beautiful old manor house overlooking the Oxfordshire countryside and there were only 21 residents,” she says. “It felt like a big family, especially since everyone calls the residents ‘family members’. I fitted in right away.” Thomas-Carter used to work as a pharmacy dispenser at Boots in Oxford town centre. “I had worked most of my life at Boots and it was a safe place for me, somewhere I could be face to face with customers and help them,” she says. But when it emerged that the job was about to change, Thomas-Carter decided to retire. “I thought I would start to spend time pottering around the garden, but after a few weeks without work I began to feel like I never should have left.” She was talking to a friend and former colleague about her newfound lack of purpose when they suggested that Thomas-Carter take up a volunteering role at Framland, which is run by the charity Pilgrims’ Friend Society. “I’d never done any caring beyond looking after my parents when they had cancer and helping customers when they’d just been given bad news, so I had no idea what to expect,” she says. “Still, I thought it couldn’t hurt to try. I showed up on that first day in 2017 to shadow a more experienced volunteer and six hours went in six minutes. Everyone was so welcoming and it was exciting not knowing what might happen from one hour to the next.” Thomas-Carter signed up for a part-time role – and a steep learning curve in caring for elderly people, including studying for an NVQ diploma in adult care. “It felt fun learning about so many new things at my age, including legislation and healthcare, and I soon realised that I enjoyed helping those with dementia the most,” she says. “It’s such a rewarding role, because you see people’s faces light up when we spend time with them. Since their time is so precious, it’s an honour to share it with them.” Now 70, Thomas-Carter is an established member of the team and a specialist “Hummingbird” – the name given to members of staff who keep residents with dementia company. “We flit from person to person like the bird,” she says. “You have to be very patient with people who have dementia, as there is a lot of repetition and they can be irritable, so that’s when we might move on to someone else. At their worst, they can come out with some unexpected things, like swearing at you, but in that case it’s not really them talking. At other times, it’s so beautiful hearing them tell their life stories.” Thomas-Carter says her work has given her an appreciation of the privilege of ageing and a deeper ability to understand others. “I never judge a book by its cover now, as you have no idea what people have been through or how they might feel,” she says. “Sometimes I might see someone who keeps asking what day of the week it is, then they will come out with the most fabulous memories from 60 or 70 years ago.” She describes the social distancing and lockdowns of the Covid pandemic as a particularly difficult time, when staff had to be dressed in PPE and residents were distressed at the threat of the virus and being unable to receive visitors. “Video calling was a difficult thing for family members to adjust to, but it does make a difference now,” she says. “It is also always sad when a family member dies, but they’ve all had such incredible lives and it’s beautiful to be part of making their end of life comfortable.” Thomas-Carter is now one of the older members of the Framland team, but she doesn’t see herself stopping any time soon. “As long as I do a good job and can remain well, I will keep going,” she says. “I work with a fabulous group over the age of 65 and we have lots to give and share with the young team, too. Age is just a number and the longer we all live, the more care we’ll need, so I’m very happy to help others while I can.” Source: The Guardian

‘I hardly knew her and she bought me this wonderful champagne tea’ … Nancy (right) and Barbara in Venice. Nancy, 69, and Barbara, 58, met over a hotel breakfast in Munich in 2022. Despite being from different continents, they clicked instantly and have travelled together ever since After retiring from her job as a nurse, Nancy loved to spend time travelling, but she never expected it would lead to her meeting a new best friend. In 2022, she went to Munich, Germany, a city she regularly visited. “I live in North Carolina but I would travel to Europe on my own because my husband still works,” she says. “Travelling is my way of relaxing and rewarding myself after all those years of hard work.” One morning, while eating breakfast at her hotel, she was approached by Barbara, a healthcare project manager from Austria, who was sitting at a nearby table. “I was visiting the city with my school friend, Andrea” says Barbara. “I noticed this very elegant woman and really liked her coat. I’m a size 18 and struggle to find nice clothes, but I noticed she was a similar size.” Barbara asked Andrea to lean over and look at the label on the coat, so she could find out where it was from. “She almost fell off her chair trying to see, so I decided to just go and ask,” says Barbara. Her inquiry sparked a conversation, and the two clicked. “I invited her to join us for coffee,” says Barbara. As a single traveller, Nancy appreciated the company. “I told her about a Victorian tea room I wanted to go to and asked if they wanted to come too,” she says. “They came along and, afterwards, Barbara snuck off and paid the bill,” says Nancy. “I hardly knew her and she bought me this wonderful champagne tea.” Barbara says it felt easygoing and they found they had lots in common. “Nancy talked about her family history and her German and British ancestors. During the tea, I suggested she come to visit me in Austria the following year.” Nancy soon went back to the US but the pair stayed in touch via email and WhatsApp. “People often say ‘come and visit’ but they don’t really mean it. With Barbara, it felt like a really genuine invite.” In November 2023, Nancy travelled back to Munich, where she met up with Barbara again. Afterwards, Barbara drove her to her home town of Graz in Austria. “There was an early snowfall and we ended up having a snowball fight on the way back,” laughs Barbara. “When Nancy told me she’d never been to the opera, I arranged a tour of the local opera theatre,” she says. “When we arrived, we realised it was for young children. We ended up going round with all these kids, which was really funny.” They also went on a 24-hour trip to Vienna, visiting Christmas markets and the Freud museum. “When I went to her house, I felt so relaxed and happy,” says Nancy. “Anything I mentioned, like the museums or the markets, Barb made it happen. She knows so much about history and culture, it was like having my own personal guided tour. She’s made so many of my travel dreams come true.” The friends bonded over more than just their shared passion for travel. “It’s unusual to make such a close friend at this age, but Nancy has always been so open,” says Barbara. “She told me about her daughter having bone surgery when she was young and how she’d nearly died. I lost my mother and sister when they were both quite young, and meeting someone else who has also experienced trauma is a different kind of link.” In May this year, Nancy went back to Graz and from there the pair took a trip to Venice. “I convinced her to come on the gondolas with me and she ended up loving it,” says Nancy. Barbara loves that they can “giggle like teenagers”, as well as having deep conversations. “I’m always humbled by her generosity, and the quality of trust between us is really high. With Nancy, I feel like it was just meant to be.” Nancy describes her friend as funny, caring and empathic. “It’s a gift to meet people when you travel, and Barb is the best gift I’ve received on my travels anywhere. It’s been a very nice surprise to meet her at this point in life.” Source: The Guardian

‘A natural connection’ … Wayne and Aura. Wayne, 72 and Aura, 67, met in a doctor’s office in the 1980s. They fell in love and have lived together in Boston ever since I n 1986, Wayne’s life was always busy. He lived in Jamaica Plain, Boston, and worked as an administrative assistant for a legal office, as well as volunteering on a housing project. “I was helping to stop evictions, challenge rent increases, fight for rent controls and support residents,” he says. When he started to have sinus problems, he booked an appointment at a local health centre to get tested for allergies. “They gave me a scratch test, but I didn’t have any reaction. It turned out I had sinusitis and it was nothing to do with allergies.” On the way out, he spotted Aura in the waiting room. Although they volunteered for the same housing projects and had seen each other around, they had never really spoken. “She’d had the same allergy tests as me and was all swollen up,” he says. “I said, ‘You look terrible!’ – because of all the swelling, which I now realise wasn’t the smartest thing to say.” Luckily, Aura wasn’t offended. “I’m really laid-back and not easily insulted,” she says, laughing. The pair struck up a conversation. “I thought she was beautiful and nothing like anyone else I knew,” he says. “I came from a very white background in the suburbs and didn’t meet anyone from different backgrounds until my teenage years. I was interested in getting to know her, so I asked her out for dinner.” Aura, who is originally from Honduras, thought Wayne seemed “smart and handsome”. “I’d been living in Jamaica Plain, which has a big Latino population, since I was 14, but my English wasn’t that good at the time,” she says. “I was happy to go out with him as we had friends in common who I really like and respect, so I thought he was probably nice too.” They went out for dinner and felt “a natural connection”. “I found her interesting, and we shared political interests, as well as liking the same music and art,” says Wayne. “We discovered neither of us were interested in having children either, which was uncommon at that point.” Aura enjoyed Wayne’s jokes and sense of humour, though admits she “didn’t understand everything he said”. They quickly became a couple and, by 1988, had moved in together. While they continued to volunteer for the housing community, Wayne built a career working for a union. Aura, who had been working in legal services when they met, became an interpreter at a hospital and then an interpreter and translator for Harvard legal services. At weekends, they went to plays and gigs, as well as taking trips to Cape Cod and the nearby beaches. At the time, interracial couples were unusual, and Wayne says racism was rife in Boston. “Luckily, where we lived was quite diverse compared with other areas of the city,” he says. Although they had never planned to get married, Wayne proposed on Nantucket Island in Cape Cod, 10 years after they moved in together. “I wasn’t sure he was really serious as we’d never considered it before,” says Aura. Although she knew she wanted to grow old with Wayne, they had never been a “conventional” couple. “By that point, though, I felt that feminism had come a long way and marriage was changing,” she says. For the first time, they say, it felt right for them. “We knew we needed to take care of each other. If you want benefits, society pushes you to conform. Eventually, most of our friends did the same thing,” says Wayne. Aura loves how open-minded, sensitive and perceptive her partner is. “He has a way of seeing everyone as an equal. He doesn’t judge and always takes people for who they are,” she says. “I’ve had problems with my health over the years, but Wayne always looks after me. He’s so nurturing; that’s an aspect that people don’t always see.” Wayne appreciates that Aura is “very much her own person” and never apologetic about being herself. “She’s truly unique and that’s a big attraction for me. I am not always the easiest person to get along with, so anyone who can tolerate me for 40 years has got something special. I feel lucky that we’ve stayed together all this time and feel that we’ve grown through being with each other.” Source: The Guardian

Emotional growth should foster better balance and accountability, not avoidance of shared obligations ‘He feels entitled to your unacknowledged, unquestioning support forever’: Philippa Perry. Photograph: DC Photo/Alamy The question My husband and I have been together for 20 years and have two children. He worked in the corporate world, which he increasingly hated. He kept leaving and applying for different jobs, none of which worked out, and he said this was because he was constantly overlooked for promotion. Last year he left to retrain as a therapist, something I supported him in. It was agreed I’d financially support us while he trained.Is it a normal part of both undergoing therapy or training as a therapist to become… well… self-regarding? I am finding him increasingly hard to connect with. He seems to think only about his own needs, his own feelings, and is tuned out of the needs of others. He talks of “doing a lot of work on himself”; takes long walks; plays guitar all day and goes away with his new therapy friends. If I ask him to help around the house, he’s resentful. He never acknowledges my support, financial, emotional or practical. I wouldn’t mind a little bit of awareness of what I do. I have always been the main carer for the children and the main breadwinner. I work long hours, do most of the cooking and all of the extracurricular and household admin. I’m exhausted and overstretched. He gets annoyed if I try to talk to him about this and says I’m playing the martyr. He seems to resent my work, which is strange because it’s keeping us all afloat. He is now saying that when he qualifies, he thinks he will just do pro-bono work. I was staggered to hear this. I find being the sole earner stressful. Am I wrong to feel frustrated and overlooked by his current attitude to our lives? Philippa’s answer Your husband’s history of being overlooked for promotions in his former career could suggest a pattern of not engaging as a team player, which may have been an issue long before this current situation. In corporate environments, promotions are often linked not just to individual competence but also to one’s ability to collaborate, adapt, lead and engage with others in a meaningful way. If he wasn’t promoted, it could indicate that he struggled with teamwork. Therapy, ideally, would help him recognise these patterns of behaviour and their wider impact, both in his professional life and his relationships. If the focus of his therapy has been almost entirely on his internal world, without connecting it to how he interacts with and affects others, it’s possible he hasn’t yet faced or addressed the relational aspects that may have hindered him in the past. Name-calling you “a martyr” allows him to avoid facing the reality that you are overwhelmed and need support Good therapy doesn’t just make someone more introspective; it should help them understand how they show up in different spaces, be it at work, in friendships or in a marriage. If his therapy hasn’t yet made him aware of the impact he has on others, it might be that he has a limited and individualistic view of personal growth. Recognising how he affects others could lead him to greater self-awareness about not just his own needs, but also the responsibilities that come with being part of a couple. Emotional growth should foster better balance and accountability, not avoidance of shared obligations. But unfortunately, not all therapy is good therapy. Name-calling you “a martyr” is not only bullying behaviour but it also allows him to avoid facing the reality that you are overwhelmed and in need of more support. Your feelings are valid and expressing them isn’t martyrdom, it’s sharing how you feel and asking for fairness in the relationship. He seems to be projecting his discomfort on to you rather than taking responsibility for his part in the imbalance. It’s worth pointing out that supporting his retraining was meant to lead to him becoming more financially independent and taking on some of the burden. The fact he’s now proposing a plan that would not help alleviate any of the financial pressure you’re under seems unfair and shortsighted. You have every right to feel upset by this. The issue here seems to be a breakdown in communication. The longer this goes unaddressed, the more your resentment will grow. It may be time to have a serious, direct conversation about your needs, your concerns and the impact this situation is having on your mental and emotional wellbeing. He felt entitled to promotions he didn’t get and now he feels entitled to your unacknowledged, unquestioning support forever. If he won’t take on board how this affects you, you may want to think about what emotional, financial or practical contributions he is making to your life and the lives of your children and whether you will tolerate the present situation to continue or not. Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk . Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions Source: The Guardian

As study shows a daytime doze may help brain’s health, for Spaniards the idea is outdated Far from being an indolent slumber, the siesta of old was a much-needed escape from agricultural work in the punishing heat of the summer afternoon. Photograph: Gareth Kirkland/Alamy News of a study showing that a short nap during the day may help to protect the brain’s health as it ages has resulted once again in frequent deployment of what is, for Spaniards, the dreaded S-word. Although all the recent talk of siestas may call to mind restful visions of daytime dozes, the very notion of a long daily nap in most of 21st-century Spain is as outdated as it is cliched and irksome. In fact – barring anglosajón attempts to add chorizo to paella – there are few surer ways to annoy a Spaniard than to suggest the entire nation crawls into bed every day for a three-hour kip. Far from being an indolent slumber, the siesta of old was a much-needed escape from agricultural work in the punishing heat of the summer afternoon. But as time moved on, Spain’s economy diversified and more and more people left rural areas for big cities, the practice began to fade out . Nuria Chinchilla, a professor of managing people in organisations at Spain’s IESE business school, said she was not at all surprised by the study’s conclusions. “People have talked for a long time about the benefits of napping and neuroscience is increasingly backing up the need for rest,” she said, but she added that siestas were largely a thing of the past. “Spain is a very big place and people still take a half-hour siesta in some parts of the country – particularly in Andalucía where it’s very hot,” said Chinchilla. “But it doesn’t happen in most places because cities are too big for people to be able to go home for lunch, so people eat at work or in a local restaurant.” Chinchilla, the founder of the International Center for Work and Family, pointed out that Spain’s wider relationship with sleep was not necessarily something to emulate. The country’s punishing working day – which often starts at 9am and stretches, via a long lunch break, to 8pm – has been the subject of much debate over recent years and proposals have been made to bring it more in line with that of European neighbours . The situation isn’t helped by the fact that Spain has been in the wrong time zone for the past 81 years. Once on the same time as the UK and Portugal, it has run an hour ahead since 1942, when Gen Francisco Franco’s regime shifted it forward during the second world war . Then there is television. “The problem we have in Spain – apart from being in the wrong time zone – is that prime time TV begins at 10pm, so a lot of people aren’t going to bed until midnight or 1am,” said Chinchilla. “Then they get up at 7am the next day.” Late-night TV is not solely a problem for grown-up Spaniards. Six years ago, Spanish MPs complained that the final episode of Masterchef Junior had ended after 1am . Despite being habitually underslept, however, Spain still has much to teach the world when it comes to the quality and length of life. According to a study published in 2018, Spain is on course to overtake Japan as the longest-lived nation in the word, with much of that longevity down to Spaniards’ Mediterranean diet . The study, by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation in Seattle, suggested that people in Spain will have an average lifespan of 85.8 years by 2040, while those in Japan will lag ever so slightly behind on 85.7 years. Source: The Guardian

‘Forever chemicals’ pose health threat to developing children and linked with preterm birth, shorter lactation Women who wore makeup daily in the first and third trimesters had 14% and 17% higher plasma and breast milk PFAS concentrations, respectively. Photograph: Kypros/Getty Images Higher usage of personal care products among pregnant or nursing women leads to higher levels of toxic PFAS “forever chemicals” in their blood and breast milk, new research shows , presenting a serious health threat to developing children. The new study helps connect the dots among previous papers that have found concerning levels of PFAS in personal care products, umbilical cord blood , breast milk and shown health risks for developing children. The analysis of data from 2,000 women is the largest to compare personal care product usage with PFAS levels, and the findings are “alarming” said Amber Hall, a Brown University researcher and study co-author. “It’s not only getting in blood and breast milk, but it’s getting in there at high enough levels that we’re able to connect it with greater frequency of use,” Hall said. PFAS are a class of about 15,000 compounds typically used to make products that resist water, stains and heat. They are called “forever chemicals” because they do not naturally break down and accumulate, and are linked to cancer, kidney disease, liver problems, immune disorders, birth defects and other serious health problems. The chemicals are widely used across the economy, and have been added to personal care products from dental floss to cosmetics , often to help spread active ingredients, or aid the skin in absorbing them. They also leach into the products from packaging or other points in the supply chain. The authors found those with the highest blood or milk levels were linked to nail care products, fragrances, makeup, hair dyes and hair sprays. Women who wore makeup daily in the first and third trimesters had 14% and 17% higher plasma and breast milk PFAS concentrations, respectively. Women who dyed their hair at least twice during pregnancy showed levels of PFOS, one of the most common and dangerous PFAS compounds, that were 36% higher than those who did not. Meanwhile, women who used nail products after giving birth were found to have PFOS levels about 27% higher. Previous research found PFAS in each of 30,000 umbilical cord blood samples taken across a five-year period in locations around the globe. Breast milk in 50 US samples were found to contain alarming levels of the chemicals. Exposure is especially dangerous for developing children because they are more vulnerable and it can trigger lifelong health problems. Among other issues related to pregnancy and development, PFAS are linked to decreased birth weight, preterm birth , shorter lactation periods , a reduction in milk’s nutritional value, neuro-developmental disorders and diminished vaccine response in children. Women can take some steps to protect themselves, like reducing non-essential personal care products while pregnant or nursing. They can also find products free from toxic chemicals , though it is difficult to identify PFAS on product labels, and sometimes their inclusion is not disclosed. Some states have begun to ban or limit the use of PFAS in personal care products as an active ingredient. That may pressure companies to remove PFAS from their products across the nation so they do not have to produce different formulas for different states. The headline of this article was amended on 24 November 2024. An earlier version included reference to dental floss; while this is a product that may contain PFAS, as the article itself said, it was not among those covered in the study. Source: The Guardian